Birthday Slaughter
by awesomeinhumanfrom
Summary: It's a rainy day at Akatsuki, but that's not the only day it is. A certain Jashin-worshipping immortal is having his Birthday. He would prefer to sacrifice a few heathens to Jashin, but the rest of the Akatsuki has other ideas. Warning: there is cussing and gore.
1. Chapter 1

Here it is! Hidan's b-day at long last! A couple lovely readers have requested that I do the whole Akatsuki. That will take a while, but Hidan is a good place to start ;) I love him. In fact, I love all of them. Who doesn't? Anyways, this is dedicated to my good friend Enchanted97! Please enjoy And pretty please review!

Hidan

Chapter 1

I woke up to the sound of rain and sweet pain. I closed my eyes and enjoyed it for a moment before I sat up. The first thing I noticed was my lack of arms.

"What the h*ll!?" I screeched. Then I noticed a basket tied around my neck. I looked up to see a green sign on the wall across me. I stood up wobbly and peered at it.

The sign read:

Good morning, Hidan! Happy Birthday! We have great surprises planned for you today, but you have to find them first! The first game we have planned for you is a scavenger hunt! Every time you find a bit of your arms/hands place them in the basket. There will be a clue leading you to the next one. Eventually, you will find your way to us and your other surprises. Good luck!

"Where the f***ing h*ll is that f***ing son of a b**** Kakazu!" I yelled down the hall. No one responded and I wandered out to find the hideout empty. "F*** those f***ing pricks. I better get to f*** the blue b**** as my reward." I mumbled as I crawled about the room. I noticed a small puddle of blood forming underneath my bed and crawled down. My upper right arm and elbow laid there. "F****" I mumbled before I bit the upper arm and dropped it in the basket. "S***" I hissed at the elbow. It was jus far enough away that I had to slither under the bed for it. I managed to bite it and pull it into the basket. Just as I was ready to crawl off I noticed something else under the bed. "What the f***?" I asked as I sprawled out once more, grabbing the tip of it in my mouth and dragging it out into the light. Another green sign sat in front of me.

'Black and white and loves to bite.' The sign read.

"What the f*** is that supposed to f***ing mean?" I yelled. Then I leaned against the bed and used it to stand up shakily. "F*** the Akatsuki. B****-a**es." I nearly fell as I entered the hall. I thought about the sign as I wandered about aimlessly. "Maybe I should check in a f***ing closet." I turned to a closet and kicked it open. Zetsu stared back at me, my entire left arm in his mouth.

"F*** you, you b****!" I yelled as I lunged forward, biting at Zetsu. I snatched one end of the arm and pulled as Zetsu pulled on the other. Finally, he dropped his end of the arm and ran off, hurrying down the hall. "You f***ing better run, you b****-a** punk!" I yelled after I dropped my arm in my basket. "That's f***ing right. Fear my f***ing glory. B****." I used the wall to stand up and then wandered off to find the rest. Zetsu, naturally, had ate the clue and I had nothing to lead me. "Scaredy b****." I mumbled at Zetsu who was slunked down in a corner at the end of the hall. I stormed through until I came to Deidara's room. "My f***ing arm better f***ing be somewhere in here." I scowered the room fruitlessly. "F*** you, you gender-confused b****!" I left the room and went to the bathroom. The lasts of my right arm lay in the sink, the blood running down the drain. "Bless f***ing Jashin!" I threw the last bit in my basket and looked at the sign taped to the mirror.

It read:

Good work, Hidan! Hope you had fun! Make your way to the basement to celebrate more games.

I stopped and yelled, "F*** no! F*** you b****es!" Then I continued reading.

If you want your arms back on, I advise you to hurry. Kakazu will charge if you aren't here by lunch-time. Be careful on the stairs!

"Heartless b****es." I left the bathroom and headed toward the basement. "By Jashin, I will f***ing make it down!" I placed my right foot on the steps. That was the last thing I remembered besides tumbling down the steps and cursing all the members to h*ll. When I landed my legs were bent over my head and my face was digging into the carpet so that I could barely see my surroundings.


	2. Chapter 2

It's the final chapter! I'm so sorry! I didn't write fa ever and now I'm rushinFisk finish it. Oh well, at least it is sorta funny. Anyways, please review and tell me which Akatsuki member to do next ;D

Chapter 2

"Happy Birthday!" They yelled, then singing erupted.

"F*** you merciless b****es." I whispered so that Pein couldn't hear me. When the singing ended Kakazu walked over and began reattaching my arms.

"Sweet f***ing Jashin, that's good!" I screamed as my arms were put back on and pain coursed through them. "Oh, yes! F*** yes!"

"I'll stop." Kakazu muttered, but his threat was worthless. It was past noon and noon was considered lunch time so I had to pay him. There was no way he would risk losing his money. He did stop, though, because my arms were both completely attached now. I stood up and walked over to the couch. I made sure to sit right inbetween Konan and Pein, just to make someone else miserable. Pein glared at me but said nothing, choosing instead to let out a deep sigh.

"Hidan, you do realize that it is not wise to push me. Just because it is your birthday doesn't mean that I won't punish you." Konan ignored his bone-chilling glare at me and carried on. She pulled a game off of the ground. It was called 'farkle.' It only took two rounds for me to flip the board and yell.

"F*** this f***ing game! It's a f***ing dumb-a** f***ing game!" Konan was the first to react.

"Just because you los-"

"By f***ing Jashin I refuse to f***ing play it!" She sighed and paused for ten seconds, counting silently to herself. She looked up and smiled sweetly.

"Well, it is your birthday. I guess we can just skip to the cake or something." Konan turned to walk out the room and when she came back she had a huge cake. The words 'happy birthday' were scrawled across of it. Once more, their annoying voices rose into song. I waited until they were done and then smiled.

"For f***ing Jashin!" I yelled as I began devouring cake.

"Wait, Hidan-Sempai, everyone should get a piece!" Tobi yelled before Deidara trampled him.

"It's a free-for-all, un!" Deidara tackled the cake, cackling evilly. Suddenly, the entire Akatsuki was fighting over the cake.

"ENOUGH!" Pein yelled. Everyone turned to face him. "We will celebrate Hidan's birthday like civilized people." He sat down, then turned to face Konan. "Let's open presents now." Konan turned and brought in a few boxes.

"Here you go." She handed the box to me and I looked up at her. A bit of cake was smeared across her right cheek. I smiled at her and wiggled my eyebrows. She rolled her eyes and turned away. I slapped her butt. It took me a moment to realize the stupidity of what I had done. Well, I had wanted slaughter as a birthday present; Pein did give me my birthday slaughter after all.

The End


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